the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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