evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
