chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You need a sexual gate keeper
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
