I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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