the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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