After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it's great music for shaving your balls
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
ttyl tear gas
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
