I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
