Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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