Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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