My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
