Do you still have your period?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
