i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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