Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
