Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
