I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
