No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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