My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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