I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
