So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
