my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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