Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
