I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
