Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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