I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
