There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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