I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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