My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
