I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
