I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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