I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
