Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How does one acquire holy water?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
