Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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