I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
