you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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