and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
