Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
