Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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