We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
