Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
