she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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