Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
