I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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