Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
