if you like me you must not know who I am
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
