his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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