Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
