He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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