i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
love makes seman taste better
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
