Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
