My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
